Today is a month ago that Mother died.  A month.  It was so sudden, yet expected.  We thought we were ready for this to happen...guess you never are.

We also just got back from vacation today.  I was a bit unsettled and dreading a portion of the vacation. This was the same beach house that we took Mother too a month before she died. My Sisters & I "happened" upon this enormous feat in April. What was suppose to be a getaway weekend for Beth & I turned into Mother's last trip to the beach with her daughters....which was a much better idea. And I'm so glad it worked out that way. It was meant to be and it was definitely a God Thing.  When we left the beach that day, we never knew that is just 4 short weeks she would be gone.....

While at the beach house this past week I couldn't help but think about my little Mother.  I slept in the same bed that she and I slept in.  I sat on sofa in the same spot she had sat.  I looked out the same glass doors she scrubbed and cleaned.  Today, I cleaned a spot off the kitchen floor that had bothered her and we wouldn't let her "clean" it b/c we were afraid she would fall.  When Kent ask what is the world was I doing...I said I was doing if for Mother.  He understood. 

Two weeks ago, I thought about her and thought "I need to call Mother", then just as quickly I remembered.  I miss her.  Not like my sister Beth, because she lived with Beth.  She was part of her daily routine.  It's different.  Also, I think it is because of my career.  Being a nurse and a nurse that has cared for Hospice patients as well as still working for a home care & hospice agency, I'm use to death.  Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive.  But to me, death is part of life.  No, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when people you love die, because it sure does.  It took years for me to quit crying and mourning my daddy's death.  But that was 17 years ago.  I've learned a lot since then.  And I'm older. 

I've lived away from my family for 31 years.  I've often wondered why God had me, the baby, move 4 hours from my family.  We knew our move was God ordained.  And it hurt so badly.  I cried for 2  years.  But then, this became home.  Our children were raised here.  New memories were made.  It was still a "trip" to go back home...but we did.  But the move was necessary for growth as a couple, a family and maturity.  Not always easy.  Some times down right hard.  But done.

So Mother being gone is not new to me.  I saw her about every 2-3 months.  It will probably hit me kind of hard within the next month.  In fact, that is probably why I thought about calling her recently.  We visited by phone...often.  Usually not long conversations.  But enough to share, laugh, spread some family news or chat a little. 

A month...I can't believe it.

Vacation week is over....

Whew....what a week, well actually 8 days!  We vacate to Topsail Island every year.  It is a small, not-so-commercialized, beach.  We love it.

For years we have stayed at our friends precious beach house....ocean view...unobstructed....really quaint.  Still don't understand how they can rent it out...it is beyond my comprehension!  I would have to stay there!  She chose such amazing colors for her walls.  Aquas, deep blue, purple, coral red....love, love love it!  I immediately "feel" the beach when I walk in.  I feel this way every time....every year....love it!

This year I was a little sad.  Our son, daughter in law and grand-babies did not go with us.  I don't want to dwell on that.  They moved in May to TN and due to a great job change and he didn't have the vacation time built up yet.  It was sad to us...but you have to accept the things you can't change.  So I'm trying.

But, we did have our daughter and her husband as well as my 87 yo Father in law who lives with us.  We rested an enormous amount.  Watched tennis, soccer and other stuff as a family...really good times.

Being that the beach is right there at us...you could sit on the deck and see the waves.  Very cool indeed.  Perfect place for a cup of morning coffee or a cool beverage later in the day.  I didn't feel I had to be "on" the sand all the time.  Really, really cool indeed.

Think one of the nicest surprises is my hair.  I had it cut, really, really short 2 weeks ago.  I don't do short hair and not sure why I did it.  It is short.  Too short.  Hate it.....But at the beach...it was GREAT!  Wash, dry and go....awesome!  This picture was taken after when had been out on the beach and was windblown!  I had just come in and sat down at the computer and Melissa snapped some photos!  Now that I'm home...it will need to grow!

Melissa & Brandon were great.  Helping out as well as having fun.  He convinced her to go out in his little Jon boat one day...she wasn't thrilled. ....but did it anyway.  He loves fishing.  Even went deep sea fishing one day about 20 miles out but the water was too rough to go any further.  Their precious pooch Mattie, was with us too...sleeping from one lap to the other or perched on the back of the sofa.

I'm not sue when I have had such a relaxing vacation.  I've got more to tell, but am going to split it up some.  Anyway, we're home.  Rested. God is good...not that I had any doubts!

2 Weeks Ago...8:46a.m.

Two weeks ago, at this minute, I got the call from Beth (get her link)that Mother was unresponsive. 

It had started out as an ordinary day for Mother...according to the staff of the assisted living.  I can imagine her up with her morning routine...bathing, dressing...cleaning with a dust cloth of some fashion in her hand...not sure what was going through her mind these last days.  She had become obsessed with cleaning.  Actually, always was, but used a normal balance with life.  But here lately, it was the number one thing on her mind.  Consuming.   I think it was because it was the only thing in her little life that she could control the outcome of.  Add to that the fact that Mother enjoyed cleaning. 

Wonder if she knew she was dying?  Wonder if she had glimpses of heaven?  Wonder if she saw family members passed?  I feel sure she heard us rallying around her...talking tenderly to her, loving her, telling her it was ok to go be with Jesus....ushering her into heaven.

Death is an amazing event under natural circumstances.  Don't think I'm morbid please.  I am a great respecter of Life.  Being a nurse, and being a Hospice Nurse, I've seen many deaths.  I've "pronounced" their deaths in their homes and called the funeral home to come.  I've seen the end of life come many times.  I've given training on the end of life care and end of life decisions.  I've seen the clinical side many times.  I've also seen the loving side too.  Daddy...now Mother.  Being in attendance to share those last minutes of life....I'm thankful God allowed me to be there.  A great memory of being in attendance with them at the end of their lives, knowing they were in attendance with me in the beginning of mine...special bonding.

When I got home from Mother's funeral, I read the "90 minutes in Heaven Book".  It gave me reassurance of what Mother experienced.  It was a great comfort.  I would say Mother is "dusting" in heaven...but I'm sure she is at peace...and there is NO DUST!

Just 2 weeks ago, Mother was alive, walking, talking...that could have been the same of any of us.  She died unexpectedly, yet expected.  At any given time, I expected the call.  Then it came.

About a week prior...my cell phone rang...I saw it was Beth's home number...I became ALERT..."Hey Sis" I said.  Mother said "Hello Susie".   I was stunned.  Mother had Beth to dial my number.  It was only about a 30 second conversation...Mother talked, I listened.  She said, "I just wanted to tell you I loved you, and you know I always have".  I assured her I did indeed and that I loved her as well.  When she hung up the phone, I sobbed.  I thought she was going to die that night.  It was the last time I talked with her. 

God, our heavenly Father, has a way of showing us such love and compassion when we least expect it.  How very much he loves us....and always has. 

clutter is my middle name.....

Unlike my Mother....I'm not a fan of continuous house cleaning...Mother loved it...I do not. 

Part of that is because I like to have things...lots of them.  And I also have a lot of different interest. 

I like to sew simple things for my granddaughters. So I have sewing machine, fabric and ribbons...lots. 

I like to paint a little on the crafty side.  So I have painting supplies, canvases and the such.

I like to make jewelry.  So I have tons of beads, wire, tools, etc.

I like to read...therefore I have magazines and books.

I like to grow certain plants.  So I have houseplants that require attention.  Deck plants and those in the yard as well.   But I don't like yardwork...

I like to exercise, well, the THOUGHT of exercise.  I buy exercise videos and equipment, pedometers, yes that is plural. and Ipods...plural as well. 

I have a weakness for office supplies...I get a rush walking in a Staples! 

With all of these varied interest...well, it requires STUFF and I have some of all of it!

Then to add into the mix the mountain of paper, bills, newspapers, and mail in general....it's a mess.

My dear daughter is 29 years old.  She is the ultimate in organization and cleaning.  She and her husband live about 1 1/4 hour away.  He was fishing this weekend at Myrtle Beach, so she said she was coming to spend it with me and we were going to do a PROJECT.  Well folks, I know "Mrs. Clean's" projects.  She doesn't mean something fun...she means "Mama...we are going to clean your house"!  Often times when she would come to help out, she and I would play a TIMING game and see if we could accomplish the tasks in a certain time-frame.  Again I say....She is the ultimate in cleaning.  I think my Mother's desire for house cleaning skipped a generation and hit Melissa full force.  She has always been this way...even as a small child!  I have a lady that cleans for me every Friday...but only on the main floor...living room, kitchen, dinning, foyer...etc.  The upstairs is my domain (bedrooms, bath, sitting room and landing)...and a cluttered mess.

So we commenced to cleaning on Friday night...all the way through till today after church.  She has a philosophy that less is more.  Clothing for example.  If an item has not been worn in a season, out it goes.  She went through my closet, me trying on clothes, and the decision being made if it was a keeper or not.  We cleared 80 hangers of clothing.  Seriously.  Bagged up 12 large, huge, trash bags into the bed of the truck and drove to the Salvation Army, about 45 minutes away, to donate them.

She kept saying don't you feel freedom!!!  And you know...I actually did.  I felt like a new person! I felt like I was watching an episode of Clean House.  You know, where they fight to keep their stuff and then finally relinquish the item and all of a sudden they start getting rid of everything!  That's how I felt!  We ended up taking a nap...well she did, and while she was sleeping I went through and bagged up a whole lot of things on my own!  It was nothing short of amazing!

This weekend, we focused primarily on Kent's and my bedroom.  By the way, she went through "his" closet too and did the same!  And he responded the same way I did!  Fussed at first, then joined in!  She went all the way to even numbering the soles of the sock matches so when washed...they would be easily matched!!!

We both are amazed at how we feel today.  She has gone back home and I have continued to clean and finish our bedroom.   As she left, she reminded us that being she is a teacher, she has the summer off and she will be back!  Another project, another time. 

Thanks Melissa...you're amazing!  Thank you so much!!!

Goodbye to my precious, little Mother

My Mother is no longer frail and sickly...

Mother died on Thursday Morning, 052710, @ 3:15a.m.  Her "closing" was actually very smooth and easy.  She did have 1 seizure for about 15 seconds, then for about 25 minutes, she just slowly stopped living .  No more struggles.  No gasp.  No gurgles.  ...just peace.

I sat beside her, along with my sisters: Beth & Patsy, talking to her, singing her favorite hymns, crying, loving her.  She wasn't alone....one of her fears.

I kept thinking and wondering...what was she seeing.  Did she see our Lord?  Did she see those who had gone on before her...my Dad?...her parents?...her brothers & sisters? 

It has now been 5 days.  I've come back home, about 4 hours from Mother's.  My husband asked me if I had read 90 minutes in heaven by Don Piper.  We've had a copy at our house for some time now.  I hadn't.  That's what I've been doing today.  Amazing.

According to this author's death experience, you do see people you know.  He names one after another of people that lead him into faith with our Lord that were there greeting him in heaven.  Childhood friends that died early on...family and others.  He describes bliss, peace and unbelievable joy.  He even went so far as to describe his Grandmother who was "humped" over with osteoporosis (like Mother) and how she was standing straight and tall and beaming with happiness.  That soothed my soul! 

I'm so excited for her.  She was very conscious of how her body was failing.  Weighing only about 95 pounds now, Mother had always been so elegant, classy, respectable.  See, mother was aways the ultimate in a proper lady.  She would "hand-sew" the alterations of her clothing, in more recent years,  to make it hang right due to her mishapened posture from her osteo.  She very seldom wore pants b/c she felt a LADY wore skirts/dresses!  Funny!  And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS had lipstick on!  I know it may sound morbid, but even in her casket, she was elegant, "together" and cultured!  She would have been thrilled....trust me!  That made us all feel good.

She had picked out her coffin some 15 years ago and paid for it and her outfit to wear was pre-chosen by her to blend the colors!  Seriously.  It was all about the look.  And she definitely looked the part of a southern lady.  She would have been proud...right down to the lacy hanky placed in her hand to cover the discoloration.  Even though I've said through the years how crazy people are to take pictures of those in coffins...I did!!!.....but only b/c I felt like Mother would have wanted it!  I know our Mother!!!

Her service was just as she wanted.  And the people that came for her visitation/funeral was about 350 in number.  A very proper showing. 

People have said some very special things to us about Mother.  We knew...so it was no surprise to us, nevertheless it was nice to hear.  She was a giver, well respected and a mighty woman of God.   She was a Proverbs 31 woman without a doubt.  If only I can be a little like her myself.

Never again will I hear her little voice.  She would refer to me as "Baby Sue" or "Susie~Q" or "Sue Ellen" She called me a couple of weeks ago"".  She only talked about 30 seconds but said she called to tell me she loved me and that I should know that she always had....I did indeed.  I never felt unloved.  Never.  Mother was a wonderful mother who gave so her children could have things important.  Never were we rich monetarily, but we were in love, family and the heritage of Christian parents.  We were blessed beyond measure.

Goodbye Mother....you taught me much and I love you more than you will ever know.  Go be with Jesus...you have done well "thy good and faithful servant".

With love, Baby Sue

My Weight....ugh!

I'm so tired of my weight. 

Several years ago I lost about 40 pounds....effortlessly.  We bought a plant nursery and I left from a "behind a desk" job to the nursery.  It was a really small nursery with only 2 active greenhouses...but the daily walking, watering, planting, unloading pine straw....the normal activity of such a place....the weight literally fell off of me without trying.  Even after we closed the nursery and I went back to health care, I kept it off for the most part.  I became an avid walker.  I walked about 4 miles/day and usually about 13 minutes per mile.  That's pretty good for an old woman!  I really was addicted to it.  I found I couldn't rest at night until I walked so sometimes I walked at 10pm!  I know...sounds crazy, but not only is my neighborhood very safe, but also secluded from the outside world.  My fears were never of people but of "critters"!  We've been known to have a stray Bobcat in the "hood"...not a fan of being surprised!

Anyway, I had a hysterectomy in 2005.  At 1 week post-op, I decided I would try a mile walk...after all, I was use to such.  Big Mistake!  After about 1/2 mile...I thought I was gonna die!  I almost crawled back to my house!  Needless to say...that was a major no-no.  So, the Doctor did not clear me to walk until after 8 weeks!  By then the damage was done.  Walking was no longer an addiction.  The magic was broken.  For the life of me, I can't get back into the routine.  So my weight begun it's gradual slide UP the scale. 

See, when I was working at the nursery, I never changed my eating habits.  Hardee's Egg Biscuits and Cinnamon Biscuits for breakfast.  Lunch was hot dogs, pizza or subway.  Supper was a meal but I was usually so tired, I ate very little.  So with the lack of exercise/walking, the weight started to climb.  Every so slowly.  Now, 5 years post-op...I have gained 16 lbs from my then norm.  And actually, I lost an additional 7-lbs immediately post operatively.  I'm not counting those b/c I wouldn't be able to live with myself mentally!

Weight loss is never fun.  I am convinced that since I no longer have ovaries, and take HRT, that that is a big part in the numbers on the scales.  Also, I have developed high blood pressure to boot!  Literally, I'm falling apart after 50 years old!

I am the Queen of dieting.  I know how to diet, when to diet, what kind of diet...what I lack is the stick-to-it-tiveness of dieting!  Trust me, I've been on all of them.....Diet Center, Atkins', WW, Richard Simmons, Michael Thurmond's, Slim Fast, books on nutrition, diet pills....I could write a book...seriously.   They all worked as long as I followed them.  But the key for me in watching what I eat, writing it down and walking.  Simple, basic common sense.

I feel it coming.  I'm gonna beat this weight thing.  I refuse to let something get a hold of me and hold me hostage!  No, not any more!  I deserve better and am going to do this!

Last October, my 2 sisters and I went to Hilton Head Island for a week.  We promised that we would go again this year and that we would all have lost weight by then...significantly so.  Well, I haven't...but I'm going to.  The reservations have been made.  I've got 4 1/2 months until our week there.  Let the battle begin

Ephesians 2 : 10

10 For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

Reality TV

I work hard...push myself...over stress myself, rush, procrastinate, panic, meet deadlines, miss deadlines...beg forgiveness...DAILY!  It's just me.  So, when I get home in the evening...I wanna relax.  I like to sit on my bed, lean against the headboard and watch TV, fb. blogspot, emails and surf the internet...all at the same time.  I'm a huge multitasker.  Tuesday nights are my favorite.

The Biggest Loser.  I've never watched a season of this show before.  I would occasionally turn and watch an episode, but never really got into it.  But I have this year.  Love watching it.  Amazing transformations.  Amazing.

American Idol.  I have been a huge fan since the 1st year.  But, something is just not "right" this year.  I've not been into as usual.  I ususally flip through it a few times to see who gets booted off...but after the tryouts, which I love, it's just been kinda blah.  I think I miss Paula.  Seriously.  And the fact that Simon is leaving this year...not so sure how it will be next year.

Dancing with the stars.  I've never watched, not even an episode, until this year.  It's been fun.  I'm not glued to it by any means.  But it's been fun to see some sorry dancing and the improvements.

So, that has been my Tuesday night line up.  I surf...and flip...and try to keep up...and to think I have DVR to boot!!!  Crazy me...